Sunday 20 December 2009

Sorry for the absence...

I keep thinking that I should be writing something here from time to time, but I am in such a bad place that I don't know if that would be helpful. I'm drowning in mediocrity. Flying 4 or 5 times a year despite my awareness of greenhouse gas emissions. So I look out the plane window and see the brownish exhaust fumes of other planes. Denial only takes you so far. But then if I don't fly I never see my family. And adding an Australian patner, and countless trips to OZ into that mix will make it all better, I'm sure.
Since H. and I have merged expenses, I'm not as good with stewardship of my resources as I used to be. I used to care a lot more about the carbon footprint of the stuff I bought, and generally about redistributing resources. Now I'm roped in with H.'s spending patterns and I'm appalled that our charitable giving in the last few months is maybe five percent of our wine-drinking budget. And still, while visiting friends of ours I longed for their careless existence, in a huge pristine flat furnished entirely at IKEA with not a grain of fairtrade coffee in it.
I hate this mediocrity. Right now I just hate everything and everyone. If I hear another lamo sermon by another self-satisfied preacher I am going to scream. I loathe the churches we've got, these cultured social clubs that just don't give a rats about the rest of the world population. Or actually they do sometimes talk about it a little bit.
And nobody's got a clue about how to conciliate climate, the economy, and the exploitation component of it. Just in the UK, how on earth is a charity supposed to help ex-offenders find a job if there's close to 10% unemployment. And most of us who are in employment derive our income from the capitalist beast, directly or indirectly, so Copenhagen stood less than a snowball's chance in hell anyway.
And if I'm honest, the only feeling I feel towards God is hate as well. For being so intangible and as good as absent. I've given up praying because by the looks of it it makes no difference. I just feel worse, worse for addressing a cosmic someone who won't give me the time of day. I'm thinking the "personal relationship with Jesus" is well overrated. What I have is a confusing, emotionally exhausting relationship with some entity that, to me, feels like nothing at all.