Incredible pride!

It's hard to put in words something which altogether is pretty wordless. I suppose I'm only trying to type it up because I want to keep a record, although that it precisely what I vowed not to do when I started this blog (hence the title of this blog: Do not freeze).

I hope my story is common. I stayed out of church for yonks, meaning years, a decade even, come to think of it... I was not good enough, I was not holy enough, I was failing miserably at being even the semblance of a Christian and I did not want to be a hypocrite.

It went on and on and on. It felt alright mind you... There is some serious grace in that sort of path and I do recommend it! And then I gave up. I just needed it too much. I decided to fail maybe but try my damnesdest. And I found my home.

The same with a cheesy little brown scapular I got in Paris a while ago. I'd always wanted to wear it, a permanent reminder of the yoke of Christ. But I was not holy enough so it stayed in a drawer, a reminder of the person I would have liked to be.

When I put it on for the first time a couple of days ago, I felt like a hypocrite and a fake. But I'd felt like that for a million years so that was nothing new and I guess I thought I could live with it. Leave it on and see. That stuff is not dependant on my personal qualities. Just submit, like an ox to a yoke, that was precisely what we were talking about.

After days of feeling hypocritical and uneasy as all f***, all that was left was incredible pride. Literally. Oh My God! I am forever a servant of Christ Jesus! What a privilege! My God what a privilege! I thought I might melt on the spot like a chunk of butter in the microwave from sheer thankfulness. All I wanted to do was fall to my knees and pray.

I don't disown my critical self. Indeed I doubt that my awareness of my hypocrisy will ever depart. It is so much of a baseline that I don't know what life feels like without it. But so far I just about manage to tolerate the incongruency of (hypocritically enough) wearing the image of my Lord on my chest and on my heart. Let's call this "creative tension" for now. I so much hope to be further liberated for His service that it hurts. Cor Jesu, miserere nobis!