" Now I know that the old 'self esteem building' has been beat into the ground, but I still want you to stop and think about how this can apply to our adopted kids in particular, but all of our kids and even others around us. Most of us adoptive parents have children that have experienced the absolute worst side of humanity. They basically started life with no value at all. They were inconvenient, instead of cherished. They were pushed aside instead of cuddled. They were left to fend for themselves instead of protected. What type of core image does that establish?
Think also of the early environments our kids had. We learn with all of our senses....what we see, hear, taste, touch, smell and do. My kids have seen lots of violence. I know one of my sib groups witnessed their birth father try to kill their birthmother. I know they witnessed many men pass through their front doors. They've seen police come to their homes. They've heard lots of loud angry voices. They heard their sibs and others,sometimes themselves, scream as they were beat. They've tasted emptiness. They've had to dig through garbage to find food and try to eat uncooked noodles.They've felt belts, boards, and sticks ripping open their flesh. They've felt the pain of unattended wounds that became infected. They've felt cold and they've felt insects crawling over them as they tried to sleep. They've smelled drugs burning in the room next door. They've smelled feces and urine from unchanged diapers. They've smelled rotting garbage in their houses. And the things they've had to do.......lie, steal, manipulate, and other things that I won't mention here as I want to keep this at least PG rated. That's an awful lot to overcome. [...]
So, what does this mean to us as parents? It means that we need to be constantly vigilant about what input our kids are receiving and making sure that the positive, positive, positive, positive is what our kids are bombarded with. Positive, uplifting, encouraging tv, music, books, videos, computer programs, and friends that will build up the values and morals that you want you children to absorb should be the norm rather than the exception. And the input that they get from us needs to be concentrated on the good. Cheerleading 101 might be a great course for all of us adoptive parents. Our kids need us to stay positive. [...]
Often, when we gather for dinner, I will pose a question to my kids and they'll all take turns answering it. A few weeks ago I asked them to tell me something nice that someone had said to them recently. Not a one of them could come up with an answer. So I switched it up and asked them to tell me something hurtful or not nice that someone had said to them......they all had huge lists! It was very eye opening for both me and them to realize how much they had all been dwelling on the negative. And this is after I'd just shared with them very nice comments that I had heard from adults two days before. I've heard it said that for every negative thing that a person hears, they need to hear eight positives to compensate for the impact the one negative has had. I'm starting to think it might take 100 positives for every negative. "
