The case for pleasure

About two days ago, the atmosphere in my house was a bit crazy.

I have an adorable Chinese flatmate, and she was getting a visit from a friend's father. The friend lives in Shangai but her father has found a job in a restaurant in Britain and was visiting my flatmate. From the beginning, something was strange... My flatmate, who is the most laid back and generous person on the planet, was arguing with him (in Chinese) and crying hard.

Personally I had a ton of teaching and marking to do, so I wasn't exactly available, but I did ask her what was going on: basically, the guy had been in Britain since January and had developed a number of addictions, alcohol and gambling in particular: he was racking up huge debts and really sliding away. He would bow down for me all the time but his eye contact was evasive and the conflict between them was huge and intractable.

Then on Thursday, I was alone in the house with our guest, working at the computer when he started to cook. I had decided that there was not much I could do (he speaks only Chinese) and resolved to touch base with my flatmate the minute he walked out of our house.

The cooking smelled good, very good. I was not very hungry but Gosh it smelled good! And hell did I want one of those deep fried prawns! -Some of my readers who know about my love of dim sums will no doubt understand-. I could not focus on my work, I wanted a prawn. I fought the urge, not wanting to be rude, but hell I just wanted a prawn, and I wanted it then!

So after twenty minutes of heroically fighting my inherent rudeness, I just gave in, and using my hands and facial expressions I somehow conveyed that I would have loved to try a prawn.

The friend not only understood but started loading a plate for me, as if saying: "try this, and try that too". He was pleased that I had made contact with him, and that I was so appreciative of his cooking and of his inherent goodness too (ha! The power of the deep fried prawns!).

We sat down at the dinner table together, communicating with hands, facial expression and a few words of English, when my flatmate walked in. She was relieved that I was there, and that I had managed to defuse the surly atmosphere. We spent the meal sharing cultural differences ("do you guys eat this soggy rice for breakfast?" "Do westerners think we're unhygienic when we eat from the same central dish?" "what is the first food you give to babies?").

On the whole the meal went really well, the conflict toned down after that and my flatmate able to convey what she thought without running into a wall of defensiveness.

There's a German saying which Germans sometimes put up on their wall, on a tacky Bavarian piece of wood. It says "Love me when I don't deserve it, that's when I need it". I have worked with that principle forever. I cannot emphasise too much the importance of appreciation. Find something you truly appreciate, something that genuinely gives YOU pleasure, even if it's just deep fried prawns. Convey that somehow. Then you can sit back and watch the results.

(umm... and by the looks of it I'm still "going to hell", eating a prawn is an abberation (Lev 11.10) and gluttony is a capital sin, so there we go :-)