Sometimes you have to wait a while before you make a move. You need to wait and discern whether what you’re thinking about really is the best move at that time. This process can take ages and meanwhile you’re not doing anything.
And the worse thing about this is that it feels so unfaithful! Honestly, as long as I haven’t moved, how do I know if I really mean it? Maybe it’s just fantasies, maybe when the hour comes to make the move I’ll tail off. I don’t know for sure!
I guess that for some people projected action can feel quite good: “I’m going to do this, I’m going to do this, I really want to do this”. But in my experience projected action can also feel pretty awful: “Maybe I’m deluding myself, maybe I’m full of shit, maybe when I start taking the steps I’ll realise that I never meant it”.
Hey Danygirl, why don’t you just bite the bullet then? I hear you cry. Quite simply, because I don’t know which bullet to bite. I can think of at least six or seven options and I really don’t know which one to go for.
On some level, this unknowing is great. See, I walk around with the knowledge that I have, once, said an outright “no” to God. And for all I know, I might very well do that again. The memory of it is like an open wound. But it is a forgiven open wound and that is a great thing to carry around -and I’m fucking crazy to blog this. So anyway, now I really hate to delay action because I’m so scared that I could be unfaithful again. Yet on some level I know that I need to trust God even with the future.
I guess that for some people projected action can feel quite good: “I’m going to do this, I’m going to do this, I really want to do this”. But in my experience projected action can also feel pretty awful: “Maybe I’m deluding myself, maybe I’m full of shit, maybe when I start taking the steps I’ll realise that I never meant it”.
Hey Danygirl, why don’t you just bite the bullet then? I hear you cry. Quite simply, because I don’t know which bullet to bite. I can think of at least six or seven options and I really don’t know which one to go for.
On some level, this unknowing is great. See, I walk around with the knowledge that I have, once, said an outright “no” to God. And for all I know, I might very well do that again. The memory of it is like an open wound. But it is a forgiven open wound and that is a great thing to carry around -and I’m fucking crazy to blog this. So anyway, now I really hate to delay action because I’m so scared that I could be unfaithful again. Yet on some level I know that I need to trust God even with the future.
1 comment:
If it's any consolation to you, i am full of shit, too. so, don't feel lonely;) i think you have found the perfect solution to your own dilemma: patience and trust. keep biting! :)
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