On disagreeing with Bonhoeffer

It's been a while since I've been exposed to the "all or nothing" brand of protestantism. It practically got me to give up faith as a teenager, and maybe the conclusion of today's reading is the same: by Bonhoeffer's standards I've got no faith. And in a way that's okay, by his standards, most of my friends have got no faith either, and I love them dearly, and I believe that God does too, but Bonhoeffer seems to think we're rebellious and likely damned.

I know exactly what my reply is to Christ's demand to give up everything and follow him is, and it's "Yes, I hope I'm gravitating towards this, I'm also really scared, help thou my unbelief" (although this answer could start with a "no" and mean the exact same thing, oddly enough).

It is an honest answer, but according to the passages which Bonhoeffer quotes, it's a dreadful one. He cites Lukes 9 57-62: "No man having put his hand to the plough, and looking back, is fit for the kingdom of God".

Oh well, in that case I'm definitely unfit for the Kingdom, I won't even argue. I never understood this passage anyway: why should a guy not be allowed to say goodbye to his family? Is that not incredibly harsh? I really can't relate to this! This gets me to think that I'll never be a full-on disciple of Christ, maybe an admirer in the crowd, maybe a punter among the thousands who are just pretty awed by his stuff and slowly but genuinely trying to rewire their life according to his teachings. Am I unbiblical? Well what about the mustard seed which is tiny at first?

So if one guy comes to a lutheran pastor of the kind Bonhoeffer advocates, and let's say s/he is finding it hard to obey one thing, the lutheran will just say: only he who obeys believes and vice-versa, you know full well what God wants you to do, thus I order you to obey this NOW!

My approach is sometimes the same as his -when it feels called for-, when it feels like "Look, this is serious matter, it may feel nonsensical but let's put in an unconditional vote of confidence NOW, please". Let's call this option one.

Sometimes my approach is not this at all: sometimes I cut myself (and others) some serious slack instead: "Okay, you've been trying too hard, this is not a good sign, maybe you're caught up in your own thinking and you can't hear the voice of your Shepperd anymore. So stop trying for a moment, make yourself a cup of tea, pray directly to God about your difficulties, we're all wicked rebellious souls most of the time, just trust the mercy of God", this is option two.

Okay grace is costly, but it is free to all men of good will. In any case it is not as costly as people like Simone Weil make it out to be, who never took part in the eucharist because she wasn't worthy or something along these lines: "When I read the new testament, the mystics, the liturgy, when I watch the clebration of the mass, I feel a sort of conviction that this faith is mine, or, to be precise, would be mine without the distance placed between it and me by my imperfection" It reminds me of some jewish currents who won't even pronounce the name of God (instead of relying on his love like one relies on one's father). Are we seriously off course here?

We're all too rebellious, grace is free: it's got f*ck all to to with our worthiness. It is the experience of this lavish grace that shocks me into loving. Some of us were not (yet) called to follow Christ in the way in which the apostles were. Some of us will probably forever be tax collectors whose only hope lies in Lukes 18-13: "But the tax collector stood at a distance. He would not even look up to heaven, but beat his breast and said, 'God, have mercy on me, a sinner.'"

I'm still liking "the Cost of Discipleship": though chapter two provoked a knee-jerk reaction, the books gets a lot better after that. I really thought I had this Christian thing sorted while in fact I just got hooked by the cosier aspects of it.