There's a phenomenon I'm really scared of. It happens when a sort of inner wall rises up in me and my whole being really ressents doing the "right thing". I don't know where this "wall" comes from but it is really imperious. It' like an inner scream: I don't want to do that.
On those days, I end up really stuck because it seems like the only choices are between a rock and a hard place: withdrawing into selfish concerns or acting without concious love, which I think is hugely counterproductive. No good. By this time, feeling like an undercommitted wretch, I can think of no other options than to ask God to walk me through it.
Somehow, I often thought that there was a problem with me: if only I was more committed and if I had actively sought the experiences that might have taught me this stuff, I wouldn't end up stuck like this. On the other hand, depending on God's intervention might be all the commitment that's needed.
The other day I was praying that God might take me where he wants me to be. Still, when we ask for something in prayer, do we believe that yes, in fact, God will grant us either that, or something better? It strikes me that Jesus asked this question of quite a few people he healed.
Painting: Sick Husband by Vasily Maksimov (click for larger picture)
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