I had a fairly intense dream recently, although I can’t remember whether I was actually asleep or just daydreaming in the middle of insomnia. I don’t know what the “judgment” will be like, but I’ve been quite close to death, and it’s awesome, not in the least scary, -all those NDE stories are true.
Anyway, in my sort-of-dream, I got to meet my Lord. And I was sobbing like bloody St Peter, I was so grieved, I wanted to tear my own limbs apart, pull my own eyes in horror. “I loved you more than my life, you gave me everything, I remember the bridge in Jena, I remember your tender leadership and camaraderie, it felt crazy but I valued this so very much. It’s not that I didn’t love you, I did, I did love you so much. Why did I let you down? I did not even realize, I kind of tagged along, half committed, half aware, why did I do this to you?”. I knew I was forgiven and I was so grateful for it, but it was almost making it worse, it was pure grief at what I’d been.
Maybe I’m in the sphere of metaphor here. I have no idea what the afterlife is like, how it happens, but I’m pretty damn certain that this will happen. I’ll be a fucking wretch at that moment, no matter what. I’m going to be in that spot at one point in time, guaran-fucking-teed. And all I pray for is please, can I have a bit of that self-knowledge and clarity now while I’m twenty seven? Please, please.
(Maybe I shouldn’t have written this here. This is exactly the kind of stuff which I’m scared of “freezing”. I may delete it because I prefer the immediate reality to the recorded account)
* The only irreparable disaster is to find oneself without repentance in front of the face who forgives. In Diary of a Country Priest.
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